Family or work – which is most important to you?

June 26, 2011 by JD · 3 Comments
Filed under: Events, Family, Musings, Success and Failure 

There are two things you should know about me, if you have any hope at all in trying to understand me.

1. I love my work.
2. I love my family.

I love my work

For the great majority of my life, those two things were most important to me.

Instead of “I love my work,” you could just as well say, “I love telling computers what to do.”

I’ve spent most of my adult life learning all I can about computers and I think I’ve done fairly well, if I do say so. Since I am less concerned with stuff, and more interested in accomplishment, I’ve plowed a great deal of my earnings right back into more computers (Macs, of course), software, and books, and used it to learn even more about the topics that most interested me.

But, you know what?

Looking back over the last 30 years, I have a handful of photos showing me working. In most of them, I’m so involved in what I was doing that I was oblivious to someone taking the picture.

I have one photo showing me standing in front of a white board and lecturing to a class.

I have one photo showing my co-author and me at a little party celebrating the publication of our book.

I have memories of being frustrated when something wouldn’t work — and then spending hours, days, or weeks working on it until I solved it. I rarely quit working on a problem before solving it. Now and then, but not often.

During all those years, I worked most of the time, and spent the remainder with my family.

I love my family

If you had asked me at the time if I loved my family, I would have said, “Yes!”

With no hesitation or doubt.

But, looking back, I would have been wrong.

Family definitely came second. Looking back over the years, it’s hard for me to believe and accept, but it’s the truth.

My life-and-death struggle with cancer the last couple of years forced me to look intensely at myself and to question everything I believed about my life.

I was as close to being on my death bed as I want to get for a long time, and what I was observing wasn’t pleasant.

I was a selfish loner

I was a loner who was selfishly focused on doing what I wanted to do and that was more important than anything else.

That started to change a few years ago, when I brought Mom home from a hospital following her battle with cancer and became her sole caretaker. I gave up a lot of things I enjoyed doing and focused primarily on caring for her.

That came with its own problems, however, because I wasn’t free to get out and see friends and other family members, and I grew more isolated and less connected with all the other people who were important to me.

Then, after Mom died, I fought my own battle with cancer.

Cancer sucks! Let’s kick cancer’s butt!

When I got too weak to get out of bed, I had to face a decision. Would I go to the hospital and seek medical help — even though I had no money and no insurance — or would I let the cancer beat me and die in my bed?

More afraid of debt than death

I went through bankruptcy and divorce about 20 years ago and both were traumatic. I’m not sure that I’ve completely recovered from either of them, but I’m better than I was for a few years afterward.

Since then, I have been completely debt free and don’t even have a single credit card. No loans. No debt.

The thought of going hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt scared me much more than the thought of dying. The thought that I’d never be able to work my way out of that hole scared me even more.

My family decides for me

But, I reached a point when I was too weak to make the decision and Stacey and Dakota (my son-in-law and grandson) grabbed me by both arms, pulled me out of bed, more-or-less carried me to their car, and they and Dena took me to the hospital.

I barely remember it, but I do remember a strange mixture of happiness that they cared enough to help, fear of going into debt, and shame that I wasn’t strong enough to decide for myself what I wanted to do.

No fear of death

I don’t remember any fear of death or dying. I recognized that it was a strong possibility — perhaps a probability — but that just didn’t matter.

I’ve never been afraid of death. I’ve read hundreds of books related to religion and philosophy and decided a long time ago that nobody knows what they’re talking about when it comes to death and what may — or may not — lie in wait, afterward.

So, I quit thinking about it. I know that one of these days I’ll make that transition and then, perhaps, I’ll know what lies beyond, if anything.

I’m not going to go into the long story of my diagnosis, treatments, surgeries, and so forth. They were important at the time, but not so important now. They kept me on this side of the crematorium and I’m happy about that.

Diagnosis: Colon cancer

When I got the diagnosis of late-stage colon cancer, I could tell by the reaction of my friend and surgeon that it was very serious and my probability of survival was very low.

He was honest with me about the situation and what he thought should be done.

When I asked what my prognosis was, he didn’t answer. That was an answer, in itself.

So, why am I talking about all this, today?

Hold on to your horses, pardner. I’m getting to it.

Dena and I went back to her house after learning the diagnosis. I’m sure we talked on the way back, but I don’t remember it.

In fact, I was so weak that I don’t remember very much from last year — just bits and pieces here and there.

What do I remember? Getting high-speed broadband to connect to the Internet, instead of slow dial-up, and the fun of watching videos and movies on my computer. A Memorial Day cookout. A day in a boat on the lake. A bonfire birthday party with Courtnie. A wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends. A beautiful white Christmas. Lots of laughing. Lots of smiles. Being determined to kick cancer’s butt. Wanting to live long enough to spend more time with my friends and family. Wanting to do things, but being too tired, weak, or sick to do them. Being frustrated. Enjoying the support I received from my friends and family — largely through the help of Facebook.

About fear…

I don’t remember much fear. I was afraid that I’d never pay off my medical debts. I was afraid that my voice would never recover from the chemo so that I could sing loud and clear, again. I was afraid that I would not be around to hug my friends.

I continued to be afraid of small pretty women, but that’s nothing new. I believe that it is wrong to give in to fear and we should strive to recognize and overcome fear in its many manifestations. My fear of small pretty women continues and I am willing to wrestle with this fear, whenever the opportunity arises. (wink)

I was never afraid of death. I was never afraid that cancer would win the battle.

Re-evaluating my priorities and making preparations

You see, when Dena and I went home after getting the diagnosis, I spent some time to myself. Perhaps a day or two, I don’t remember for sure.

I thought about what was important to me. I took care of some important things: a new will, a living will, a power of attorney, prepaid cremation, bought a travel trailer to live in (named it Castle Dragon), and put the castle and the car in both my and Dena’s names.

(I could never have done any of those things by myself and I appreciate each of the people who helped me prepare and get settled in for the long fight. You know who you are. Thank you.)

If I were going to die, I didn’t want to make it any harder than it had to be on anyone else. I had just gone through over a year of settling Mom’s estate and learned some lessons from that experience.

With preparations for dying out of the way, I started thinking about living.

(I’m not sure if the timeline is right. I don’t remember if I thought about living and prepared for dying, or vice versa.)

I clearly remember a discussion with Dena about whether I was going to go through the surgeries and treatments recommended by my surgeon, or if I were too far gone and would rather die in peace.

The moment of decision – clarity, focus, and intention

It was while looking into her face and getting lost, once again, in her beautiful blue eyes that I made my decision. I remember the exact moment.

I would go through all of it, knowing it would be difficult, painful, and scary, because I was not ready to tell her goodbye.

(I never once cried when I thought I might die, but I have tears in my eyes, right now.)

I wanted to live and be a better dad.

I wanted to spend more time with Dena and Stacey. I wanted to watch my grandkids grow and develop into adults and maybe have kids of their own.

I wanted to sing and laugh with my friends. I wanted to go skinny dipping in the lake. I wanted to hug beautiful women. I wanted to flirt with pretty nurses. I wanted to play music and sing. I wanted to dance for the sheer joy of being alive.

I decided right then and there that I intended to kick cancer’s butt

I would live and do lots of things that were very important to me.

They all revolved around family and friends.

Work wasn’t even part of the thought process. It had faded into no importance at all.

Realistically, I knew then (and now) that I have to work to earn money to live, but it lost most of its importance to me.

At that moment, if I were to write a list of things that are important to me, it would be a longer list than the one I wrote at the top of this message/post/article/document/diatribe/or whatever it is.

My new list of priorities

While not necessarily in the correct order by importance, it would go something like this:

1. Dena
2. Stacey
3. Courtnie, Dakota and Katie.
4. All my closest friends and family
5. My online friends
6. Singing, laughing, dancing, enjoying thunderboomers, skinny dipping, sharing massages, and more laughing.
7. Other things I can’t think of right now
8. Work
9. Paying bills
10. Everything else…

That may not be exactly the right order (and there may, in fact, be no correct order), because things change all the time. Some things are more important now, less important later, and maybe more important even later.

The one thing I am crystal clear on, however, is that numbers 1-6 are the most important to me.

That’s where I intend to live most of the time. It’s what I intend to do, observe, enjoy, celebrate, and care about.

I still enjoy working, but I have a lot more photographs of family and friends than I do of working. I have lots more wonderful memories of friends than I do of solving a problem, creating an elegant algorithm, or implementing a new system.

Thankfully, I’m no longer on my death bed. I’ve finished all the treatments. I’m getting stronger.

Cats have nine lives. I wonder how many I have

If I were a cat, I think I used up a couple of my lives last year, and I’m going to be very careful about what I do with the lives that still remain. I don’t know how many there are. I’m pretty sure I used a couple of them on the edge of the Grand Canyon and another of them during the early morning hours in downtown Atlanta. I may have used one while driving in Chattanooga, and another one when an 18-wheeler came around a blind curve and was almost totally in my lane. I’m pretty sure that I’ve used seven or eight of my allotted lives. If cats and JD have nine lives, I may have only one or two left.

I’m going to use them to celebrate my family and friends and to enjoy every minute I can spend with them.

During the rest of the time, I’m going to pour myself into working to do the best I can for my clients, but I have to tell them this: You definitely are not first in my life. I’ll do what I promise, but some of it may take a bit longer, because I’m going to enjoy any lives I still have.

People are most important

Now, let me share a couple of glimpses of the people who are important in my life:

Dena and Stacey Howard and family

Dena and Stacey Howard and family, 2011.

We enjoyed spending a couple of hours with a wonderful group of people at the reunion.

This week, I’ve been working hard to update websites, plan some strategies for promoting local businesses, learning new skills, and trying to get back to earning a living and paying my own way through the world.

A few years ago, I would not have interrupted my work. I was “in the flow” and really accomplishing something.

But, this is a different life, one that is much better aligned with the things and people that are important to me.

Two days ago, on Friday, I was working hard and the alarm on my iPod went off. I stopped what I was doing and went to enjoy and celebrate something much more important.

Dena and Stacey were married twenty years ago. To celebrate, they decided to throw a big shindig and renew their marriage vows. 20 years ago, they were hitched. So, I’m saying that this year, they tightened the hitch. Not that it needed tightening. I hope they have a lifetime of happiness together.

Photo of Dena and Stacey Howard

Dena and Stacey Howard, renewing their wedding vows.

I am a better person

Over the years, I may not have been the best friend, husband, or dad, but I’ve recognized the error of my ways and I’m going to do my best to enjoy and celebrate your accomplishments and victories, do what I can to help you in your struggles, and hug more often.

Photo of JD and Dena

JD and Dena

I will say something (much more often) that has always been very hard for me to say…

I love you.

What about you?

I’m not saying that my way is the only way or even the best way. It’s right for me, but you may have other thoughts, goals, and priorities.

So, which is most important to you?

Is there something besides family and work that is important?

Act on your dream!

JD

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Thanksgiving was the best in many years

November 27, 2010 by JD · Comments Off
Filed under: Family, Friends, Holidays, Musings 

This year, I celebrated Thanksgiving with family and friends and, for several reasons, it was the best Thanksgiving I’ve enjoyed in many years. I’ll remember and treasure it for a long time.

My oldest granddaughter, Courtnie, recently moved into her new home and volunteered to host our Thanksgiving celebration. I’m sure it was a lot of work for her, but many others pitched in to help.

I love watching as the next generation takes on responsibilities and starts traditions of their own that we can share.

When I was a kid, we always went to my grandfather’s house for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Later, as an adult, I would visit various friends and family members as I moved around the country.

This year, I spent Thanksgiving with my granddaughter and look forward to Christmas morning brunch with my daughter. The Christmas breakfast will have some of the same people sharing, but won’t be as large as the Thanksgiving celebration.

I’m not sure how many people were at Courtnie and Danny’s home for Thanksgiving, but it must have been around forty or fifty. It’s a good thing it was a warm and sunny day and we could spread out throughout the house, the porch, deck, and yard. All of us would never have fit inside if it had been cold and rainy.

As with all families, some of us have had our differences in the past, but it was good to see all of us come together and enjoy each other’s company with no disagreements, arguments, or hard feelings.

The food was outstanding, and I really enjoyed the meal, but even more importantly, I enjoyed the after-eating conversation and laughter. We had a great time.

Yesterday morning, over my first cup of coffee, I jotted down some of my thoughts and recollections from Thanksgiving Day and posted them on my profile at Facebook. I decided today that I’m going to repost them here.

I’m thankful for…

…hugs from beautiful women…

…enjoying time together with optimistic, happy people…

…watching a Marine Corps Iraq War veteran roll his eyes when I told him the last time I saw him he was only this tall (and then hold my hand out about waist high)…

…lumpy mashed potatoes, because you know someone took the time to make them the right way, rather than pouring some flakes out of a box…

…hand-made whipped cream with a touch of maple syrup in it…

…laughing out loud with my family…

…watching little children who are just starting their life’s journey…

…letting the old folks fix their plates first, and then realizing I’m one of the old folks and it’s my turn to eat!…

…catching up on all the things going on in our lives…

…Thanksgiving coming just right in my chemo schedule so that I felt good, had some energy, and my taste buds cooperated on one of the most important days of the year…

… having a wonderful, loving, beautiful, and talented daughter…

…hugs from beautiful women…

…and more things I (or you) will think of…

I’m very thankful for still being here. Back in March, it didn’t look like I was going to live this long, but now it’s looking like we’re going to kick this cancer and I hope to be around for quite a few more years.

I had a wonderful time with my family and friends this year.

I hope you did, too.

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I had a very Merry Christmas this year

December 26, 2009 by JD · 5 Comments
Filed under: Family, Friends, Holidays, Personal 

I’m a day late, but I wanted to take a moment and wish all of my family and friends a very Merry Christmas!

I had a computer-free day, yesterday, and that’s very unusual for me.

I spent the day with my daughter and her family and had a wonderful time.

There are many holidays and events that are celebrated at this time of the year and each of us has different views of what is important to us and our family and friends.

Sometimes that leads to big disagreements, which I think is unfortunate.

Over the years, I’ve had good friends who celebrated things differently than I do and I’ve learned to be happy for them and what they believe and not to try to convince them of my way of thinking.

So, even though I have different views than most of my family and friends, I can still enjoy spending a happy day with them and basking in the warmth of love and friendship.

So, whatever you celebrate at this time of year, I hope you enjoyed it with family and friends.

The two holidays I celebrate are Yule and Christmas and I enjoyed both of them.

2009 was a very difficult year for many of us and I am happy that we can have a few days where we can celebrate the good things in our life before we roll into a new year and start the annual cycle, again.

Here’s my wish that all of us will have a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2010. It’s only a week away.

All the best,

JD

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