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Think and Grow Rich test: Do you often feel self-pity?

September 27, 2009 by JD
Filed under: Books, Self-Improvement, Success and Failure 

My answers to the Think and Grow Rich Self-Assessment Test

Recently, I was reminded of the self-assessment test in Napoleon Hill’s best-selling book, Think and Grow Rich.

There are fifty-four questions in that test, and I’m going to be giving my answers and thoughts on one or two of them as close to daily as I can manage. I may miss a day here or there, but I’m going to follow through until I reach the end of the test.

I’ve started the series of posts with:

Think and Grow Rich self-assessment test

Question Number 7. Do you often feel self-pity? If so, why?

Fortunately, except for very rare occasions, I don’t feel self-pity.

As a teenager, I remember the feeling now and then.

Most of my life, however, this has not been a problem.

Interestingly enough, however, this is something I’ve been fighting the last few months. In fact, there have been times that I have relished wallowing in self-pity, self-doubt, and being ready to give up.

I’m not going to go into all the things I’ve had to deal with over the last year, but it has been hard.

I recognize that I’m much better off than many people. I have no debt, didn’t lose a great job, have a place to live, didn’t lose my life’s savings, or encounter any other major disasters.

So, even on the days when I was feeling my worst, I was able to look at it objectively and realize that I wasn’t as bad off as I wanted to feel like.

Why am I feeling like this?

Originally, I thought that it was mainly as a result of the decline in the world economy and how it has affected my business, followed a few months later by Mom’s death and having to deal with the emotions and trying to settle her estate.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had trouble paying bills on time and a lack of income coupled with a rise in expenses has been difficult to deal with.

After caring for Mom full-time for over six years, her death was a hard blow. I’m still not over it and I still miss her a lot.

I’ve had a couple of health-related problems this year that have been difficult to overcome, but I’m making progress.

But, lately I’ve been trying to come to grips with all of this and the negative feelings that have been bothering me.

I’ve done more than my share of wallowing in self-pity and it’s time to turn my life around and get back on track.

So, as part of this process, I’ve been trying to understand why I have had such a difficult time dealing with things over the last year.

A few days ago, I had a flash of insight that I think may be closer to the truth than blaming things on the economy, Mom’s death, or my health problems.

I was doing fine until last July, and things declined rapidly after that.

I think I know why, now.

Mom’s health declined rapidly over a period of a couple of weeks last summer and we had to make the difficult decision of hospitalizing her for a few days. Then, after much discussion and trying to come up with alternatives, our family had to decide that she could no longer live at home and needed the skilled care that was only available to her in a nursing home.

We had faced this issue over six years ago following her cancer surgery, but I knew Mom never wanted to go into a nursing home. Her father and step-mother had endured terrible times during the last years of their life and I had promised her years ago that I would never do that to her.

So, I brought her home in 2002 and became her full-time, and only, caretaker. I was determined to care for her for the rest of her life and to help her live in her own home on her on terms.

It was devastating when I realized and had to accept that I was going to break that promise.

Mom was never again the same after moving into the nursing home.

The staff at the nursing home are not to blame for it. In almost all cases, they were helpful, cheerful, and did their best to care for her. I appreciate all they did during this difficult time in her life.

Still, Mom reacted very badly to the move. It was like watching a balloon slowly deflate.

She had always been talkative, inquisitive, friendly, and loved reading and watching TV.

Once she realized she couldn’t come home, she lost her appetite, stopped reading, didn’t watch TV, would barely carry on a conversation, and didn’t even seem to be very interested in the hummingbirds outside her room.

It was like she decided to die. In a few months, she did.

Breaking my promise to her and watching her slowly die just about did me in.

I’ve still not come to terms with being unable to care for her at home and that was exacerbated by not being able to be with her when she died.

I was sick with a fever, chills, and was throwing up when her doctor called and told me he didn’t think she would live much longer. There was no way they were going to let me into the nursing home while I was that sick.

Fortunately, my ex-wife and daughter were able to be with her during her final hours and I find some consolation in that. I’ll be eternally grateful to both of them for caring for her during her passing.

Still, I feel that I betrayed and abandoned her. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get past this one.

Intellectually, I recognize that I did all I could and that moving her to the nursing home was better for her, but emotionally I just don’t feel it.

I think that is what put me on the downslope to self-pity and it has been very difficult to pull myself out of it.

Fortunately, I have a supportive family and friends who care. That has helped a lot, even more than I can express.

I’ll get through this and get back on track, but it has been much more difficult than I ever expected or even realized.

One surprising thing I learned during all this, however, is that there is a measure of enjoyment and even empowerment related to self-pity. I think this is one reason it is so hard to overcome.

It’s a perverse feeling because I could see myself wallowing in self-pity and feeling that I was justified, even though I didn’t understand why. The world had turned against me and there was nothing I could do. No matter how hard I tried, I was going from one crisis to another, week after week, and I’m still not out of it.

Fortunately, over time, I’m feeling the self-pity less and less and I’m able to recognize it when I approach it, so I’m getting better.

I can’t even imagine how much worse it would have been if my family and friends had not been supportive or if there were others who depended upon me during this time, because I would not have been able to help them.

I’ve made major adjustments in my finances, am taking my marketing business in a new direction, and I’m feeling stronger. So, things are improving and I don’t feel the attraction of relapsing.

Life is feeling better and I’m starting to regain my self-confidence and optimism. It’s just a matter of time and effort before the other things get better, too.

I’m starting to look forward to paying my bills early rather than late and I’m feeling like I have more to offer my friends and family.

I’m not there yet, but I’m back on the path to getting there.

What about you?

Do you often feel self-pity? If so, why?

Act on your dream!

JD

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7 Comments on Think and Grow Rich test: Do you often feel self-pity?

  1. Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach on Sun, 27th Sep 2009 5:29 pm

    2. What a very powerful and moving story, my heart goes out to you.

    What you have discovered is that instead of being Superman…you’re merely human. And actually, that’s the very best that ANYONE of us can be.

    You honored your mom and yourself to the very best of your abilities. Sometimes, though, real life kicks us in the teeth in such a way that the ONLY thing we can do is…acquiesce.

    Nobody but *nobody* knows how they will react during a crisis situation. You did the very best you could do…it just wasn’t possible to do more.

    For that, you should honor yourself and indeed, grieve for what you were NOT able to accomplish. It’s real and it’s painful and it deserves to be acknowledged.

    But also…you should honor yourself for everything you WERE able to do. The fact that you proved yourself to be human and NOT superman…it’s a hero’s journey we all undertake (and wow, it’s more painful than one can imagine indeed).

    Lots of empathy and lots of good wishes. You were a great son to your mom….and I’ll bet she knew that.
    Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last blog ..A friend is ALWAYS a priceless gem and you’re never too old for more My ComLuv Profile

  2. Barbara the Virtual Coach's Journal - Page 15 on Mon, 28th Sep 2009 7:14 am

    3. [...] Think and Grow Rich test: Do you often feel self-pity? – John Dilbeck And Friends – Recommendations,… [...]

  3. JD on Mon, 28th Sep 2009 8:50 am

    4. Good morning, Barbara.

    Thank you very much for your kind words of support. I really appreciate them.

    It actually makes some difference now that I feel like I have finally discovered the cause of my downward slide last year. Still, it’s going to be difficult to get through it.

    There is a big difference in how I view all of this intellectually and how I feel it emotionally. I’m hoping that this disconnect will lessen with time.

    I recognize and appreciate that I was able to do a lot for her for several years, but it’s those last few months that still get to me.

    I don’t know what else to say, so I’m going to go back to work.

    Thanks again, Barbara.

    All the best,

    JD

  4. Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach on Mon, 28th Sep 2009 10:05 am

    5. It’s been said that the gods honor those who are undergoing soul-crushing issues….they know they are up to the challenge.

    I personally love that take on it; it’s comforted me more times than I care to remember. Best wishes for the future.
    Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last blog ..Learn HOW I got#2 out of 78 MILLION for ‘High SEO’…and how you can too! My ComLuv Profile

  5. JD on Mon, 28th Sep 2009 11:52 pm

    6. Good morning, Barbara.

    “It’s been said that the gods honor those who are undergoing soul-crushing issues….they know they are up to the challenge.”

    I enjoy challenges, just not so many at one time!

    Thanks, again.

    JD

  6. Mitch on Tue, 29th Sep 2009 9:30 am

    7. Man, do I know about self pity! I go through a brief bout of it every day. Some days it takes over and makes it hard for me to get going. Other days it stops by, I say hi, I’m busy, and it goes away.

    I know we all go through those periods, and we all have our reasons for it. Mine is that the consulting part of business has fallen totally off the radar, and the money I’m making isn’t enough to help us even think about staying equal to the hump, not even considering trying to get over it. Certainly not where I thought I’d be in the year I turned 50, that’s for sure.

    Still, we persevere when we’re ready, right? But I will say this. Dude, you did everything you could do for your mother. The one consolation you have to take with you is that you gave everything you had. You never would have made that promise if you’d known what was coming; it’s a promise I knew I’d never make with either of my parents or my grandmother. Right now, I’m only hoping I’m up to what might be going on here with my mother, and of course I already don’t think I’d be a good 24/7 caregiver to my grandmother, who’s fairly self sufficient but her memory isn’t what it was either.

    And you’re right about one other thing; self pity does give us something. I don’t know that I’d want to say it makes me feel good, but it gives me an emotion I can roll with for awhile, then an emotion I know I can overcome. But when we’re there,…

    Good topic; I’m enjoying this process.
    Mitch´s last blog ..How Do You Value? My ComLuv Profile

  7. JD on Fri, 2nd Oct 2009 5:51 am

    8. Good morning, Mitch.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the last few days when I was tied up on another project.

    I’m not entirely sure that a little self-pity isn’t a good thing, now and then.

    It may make it a bit easier to fully embrace what’s going on with us and I think that may lead to new ways to experience and learn from whatever it is that is bothering us.

    When I say this, I mean just a very little self-pity. If we spend too much time there, we fall into its seductive embrace and that will certainly work against us.

    The problem gets serious, however, when we’d rather feel sorry for ourselves than be motivated to take steps to overcome the problems we’re facing.

    Facing problems head-on can be very difficult, but, as far as I know, it’s the only way to overcome them and continue on the path to accomplishing the goals we are working towards.

    I talk to lots of people and I don’t know anyone whose consulting business hasn’t taken a hit. Now, most of the people I talk to are like you and me who own our own businesses and don’t have employees. I don’t know how the big consulting firms are doing.

    I do know that all the business owners and managers I know are keeping a very close eye on their expenses, and that’s a big change when compared to the last few years.

    I’m not sure where you said it, but some aren’t even willing to spend a few thousand dollars even if it may save them many times that. To my mind, that’s being “penny wise and pound foolish,” but it’s a sign of the times.

    I hope it turns around for you, soon.

    Act on your dream!

    JD

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